My boyfriend and I have been dating for four months, after a long
friendship. We seem made for each other, and we're both very in love.
We've talked about spending the rest of our lives with one another.
My problem is with what he feels he needs in regards to sex. We were
each others first, and we both want to be explorative and a little
freaky. But he says that he wants experiences with other people, and
he knows that he'll want this in the future as well. I think if he's
talking about swinging or a menage-a-trois, that's one thing I could
be down for because it's something about us being together. But I
think he may want to be alone with other people for sex as well,
developing his own sense of sexuality.
I don't want to hold him back by telling him not to, but I'm not at
all kosher with him having flings. If this is really what he's aiming
for I'm at an impase for what to do. I know he loves me, and if I give
him an ultimatum he may chose me over what he 'feels he needs', and
may later come to resent the decision. But if I let him go, to sow
his wild oats, I'll be breaking both our hearts.
What's your advice?
Trying (Really!), Only Interested Slightly
Zie Lover says:
I can relate, TROIS. I'm actually in a similar situation-- only I'm in your boyfriend's shoes. I have been with the same guy for 3 years, he was my first although he's 3 years older than me and much more experienced in some areas. In a way he's ready to settle down, which it sounds like maybe you would be willing to do? I, on the other hand, am curious and do want to know what it's like with other people, both emotionally and sexually. But at the same time I don't want to end it with this great guy. We both see a possible future for us, but I know that I have no idea what will happen between now and "the future." So here's the conclusion we have come to: I am moving away in less than a year, and at that point we are breaking up. This is my take on it: I don't necessarily think this is the end of "us." I do plan on dating other people, and I couldn't ask him not to. I do plan on keeping in touch with him. I don't plan on saving my heart for him, but I am not going to furiously try to erase all feelings I hold for him either. It is my expectation that if we are meant to be together we will be together; maybe not next year, or 3 years from now, but eventually. On the other hand, I have come to peace with the fact that this may be the end for us. I know that he is the best lover/partner I have known, but I also know that this may partly be because my experience is very limited. If I am with other people and I still feel the same way, I fully intend to make this clear to him. He has said the same to me.
I can only tell you to leave your options open and never allow yourself to be pressured into doing something you are hesitant about or don't want to do. I hope you find resonance in something I have said. Good luck.
Mr. Gyrl says:
As usual, I agree with my fellow lover *points to Zie.* The first thing: ultimatums always equal bad. What I think the situation needs is more communication and a reality check. You may think this will be your one and only but I can guarantee you there will be others. I don't think this should be a breaking point for your relationship right now. Enjoy what you have and talk about it. I think you should both keep in touch with your feelings for each other. Don't make it a point of obsession. Yes, some day there will be another for both of you. I can also say from personal experience menage-a-troix and swinging are not generally a good experience. Jealousy abounds, particularly if the menage-a-trois or swinging is at the behest of one partner and not the other. Also not recommended if you're looking to achieve long term monogamy through these acts. Cuz hey, starting a war will bring peace. A time will come; accept it, embrace it, and live for now.
For tales of woe, maps of college campuses, and flavored condoms, please get in touch with your nearest LoveAdNauseam@gmail.com. Limit n per household, not valid with any other offers.