Dear Readers, before I move on to today's column, I would like to apologize for the lack of material in recent months. Our inbox has been flooded- with ads for various "love drugs" and tracking numbers on our Estee Lauder shipments. Today's column is lacking a response from Zie Lover, as Zie is currently off exploring the Midwest. Zie will be back in a few weeks and will hopefully post a response then. As always, feel free to write us at the address provided!
My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 months now. It's a very serious relationship. For the first like 6 months, we were with each other every single day. Then I lost my job, lost interest and focus on school. I told a few white lies and excuses and I regret it every day. I'm not sure if she doesn't trust me, or if she's falling out of love. Some days are better then others. I sometimes think its the heat but I'm not sure. She doesn't seem the same. She thinks our relationship is just about sex, and I try to assure her it's not and it's sooo much more to me. What do I do to get her trust back, and for her to spend more time with me and for her to know our relationship isn't just sex? I talked to her not to long ago and I asked her if I still make her happy and she said "I don't know, I'm not happy anymore". I asked is it me or it is something else, and she wouldn't tell me. What do you think it is?
-Not In It For The Sex
Mr. Gyrl Says:
It sounds to me like she's trying to get out of the relationship. Your honeymoon phase is over and now she wants out. Alternately, you've been together every day for six months. It's pretty easy to get over-loaded with someone at that point, especially if other time-consuming things like work and school are cut out. My advice is to spend some time doing things apart, see each other a few times (i.e. 1-3) a week. I suspect multiple factors are making her unhappy, and you do need to regain her trust. The only way to do that is by staying loyal and honest. It takes time. As far as the sex issue goes, she may be projecting her own feelings on to you. If she feels like you're just using her for sex, maybe you should stop initiating sex with her for a while. Remain affectionate, but make it obvious that you're there for other things. If she still thinks it's all about the sex then it probably is- for her.
Zie Lover Says:
Thanks for covering for me, Mr. Gyrl. As for the problem at hand: my last relationship lasted nearly 4 years, and there were definitely times when I wasn't sure I still loved him. However, I knew that the mind (and even more so the heart) is a complicated thing, and I learned to recognize that when I felt that way, usually something else was bothering me. Something I wasn't admitting to myself. Now, I haven't seen you together so I can't make any judgments about how she really feels, but what I can suggest is this: listen. If she says she needs some space, give it so her. If she says she's not happy, ask her if she knows why. It's entirely likely she hasn't considered this.
You say you try to assure her it's not just about the sex. Words aren't enough, you need to show her. If she still doesn't believe you, despite everything you do, then like Mr. Gyrl said, that's her problem, not yours. See if you can spice it up, but if you're making all the effort and getting nothing back, bail. It's not worth it. Best of luck.
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