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Love Ad Nauseam- Advice on Love, Sex, Gender, Kink
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October 2006
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Love Ad Nauseam- Advice on Love, Sex, Gender, Kink [userpic]
Maiden or Maneater?

Without further ado, today's column, in a slightly different format.

Dear Lovers,

I have a few questions. I'm not an experienced dater so it might sound stupid.

1. All girls flirt with all guys right? Not because they're special but because they're the opposite sex?

Zie Lover Says: I wouldn’t say that all girls flirt with guys. First of all and most obvious, there are the girls who aren’t attracted to guys… which isn’t to say that people only necessarily flirt with people they’re attracted to. I find that flirting is a way of communication, a particularly fun way of communication, but I’m not about to flirt indiscriminately. Plus there are the girls who don’t feel comfortable flirting, or who find other means of communication more effective or fulfilling…

Mr. Gyrl Says: Zie has said the beautiful and obvious thing. Not all girls flirt with all guys, for various reasons. I don't think there's ever a generalization that's 100% true when it comes to human behavior. I know that some girls flirt with guys because it's expected, but I think that's the least compelling reason to do it. Flirting is meant to be fun, devious and/or amusing along with many other adjectives but I would not say compulsory should be one of them.

2. When a girl says she hates a guy, and then proceeds to pick on him and tease him, does she really like him?

Z.L. Generally speaking, I’d say yes, in a middle school sort of way. Either that or she’s just mean.

M.G. Depending on age and circumstance and the extent of hte teasing, I'd agree with Zie. However, after a certain point they really do just hate the other person. Look at their other behaviors and how they act when it's just the two of them or they're in smaller groups as opposed the people the bully feels like she has to show off to.

3. Would you consider a girl to be very self-centered if she thinks that most guys that she sees either like her or want her?

Z.L. Sometimes it’s true, and sometimes she probably just has a complex.

M.G. True or not, it's how she treats the situation. If she absolutely flaunts it and constantly talks about it and herself and stories of how various people couldn't help but stare then, yeah, that's self-centered. A certain amount of that's just good self-esteem, but it can get excessive. This is personal experience speaking. However, if she's basing her identity on how much other people want her than she's got bigger things to worry about. More on that further down.

4. How can you tell one of your friends to stop flirting with a guy you like, if she doesn't even know she's flirting?

Z.L. First of all, if you just like the guy (i.e. if you’re not dating him), what gives you the right to tell her to stop in the first place? However, I can see where he might fall for her when she’s not even attracted to him, because her unknowing flirting makes him blind to you, and that would be incredibly frustrating. In that case I would say just tell her that maybe she’s not trying to, but she’s flirting hardcore, and would she please be mindful of that when she interacts with him.

M.G. What Zie said. You're also obviously asking questions in regard to a certain situation. Sounds like she gains self confidence and power by getting the sexual attention of others. I say be pretty straight up with the guy, try to hang out with him when she's not around and let him see how she behaves around other guys. If she actually has intentions toward him, you two can discuss that. If she's just being predatory, be honest with her about how it's hurting you and if she continues then you don't need her as a friend. Not to start things but watch how she treats you- when you're around other people are you her friend or her sidekick? Does she make little jokes at your expense? Does she need to have the full attention of all the men in the room? If so, watch out honey. On the other hand, she may just be a flirt. I would say to be honest and open about her actions affect you and take it from there.

5. Finally, if a girl is married and is supposed to be "in love" with her husband, why would she even notice that other guys are looking at her?

Z.L. I think that just because a woman is in love with a man doesn’t necessarily mean that she only has eyes for him. It’s completely natural and completely normal to notice other people, even to be attracted to other people, but in a monogamous marriage the difference is in whether or not she would be willing to act on that. I’d say that most people who say they are only ever attracted to or only ever notice their husbands are either lying or deluding themselves. Besides, when a guy’s checking you out, how can you not notice? Just because you’re in a monogamous relationship (which is what I assume you’re talking about) doesn’t mean you’re blind.

M.G. Amen. Sometimes husbands (and wives!) take a certain satisfaction in knowng that they have what other people want. Personally I think it's a bad foundation for a relationship but it's certainly not a poisonous aspect as long as it's not within control. There's possessiveness and then there's abuse. It's okay to know and acknowledge that you're wanted, as long as you're not actively looking to stray outside of whatever agreement you've accepted with those you love. Many good times have been had from acknowledging that you're desired...

All in all, I say to talk to her about it. A lot of this sounds like things you probably wouldn't want her to hear to her face but obviously want to talk about. It's better to resolve a situation than to bitch about it to other people. And believe me, she will know. This is something you want to bring up when you're feeling secure and calm and safe, not when she's feeling pissed and defensive and betrayed. Talk gets around, believe me.

~Alotta ?'s

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