Hi. :) I have been in love with someone for over 3 years. I dated him for almost 2 of these three years, and we had a very intense and intimate relationship with each other. We were in love and wanted to be together for a long time. About 9 months ago, he broke it off because he was confused and wanted to date someone else. That was very hard for me to deal with, and I went through therapy to get over it. I have been in two other relationships after him, but I ended both of the relationships because I always thought about "him" and compared the relationship to the one I had before. He has hurt me so much, because he lies about his feelings for me and dates other girls even though he tells me he still loves me. At one point during our relationship he even lied to me about having sex with someone else, just to get me angry enough to cheat on him and prove that I didn't love him enough. That's pretty screwed up, huh?
I feel like the only way to get over him is to date other people, but it just makes me feel guilty and awkward. I only want to be with "him", but I know it is impossible. I will never be able to be with him again, and the hardest thing for me right now is getting over him. Any suggestions on what I should do? It's been almost a year now, and I just want to move on and be happy. Thank you so much.
-Still In Recovery
Mr. Gyrl says:
The first thing I'd like to say is that "testing" someone's love like that is unacceptable. I've seen in happen a few times and it has never failed to piss me off and ruin the relationship. It's generally an excuse to break up a relationship without having to be the culprit. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, so be it. You are a healthier person without him. I know dating other people feels wrong, and right now it may be, though not for the reasons you think. In my experience it takes twice as long as the relationship lasted to really "get over" a person, especially if you were as seriously involved as it sounds like you were. This doesn't mean you can't date for 4 years, far from it! Continue to give yourself healing time and don't go actively looking for love. Allow yourself to develop meaningful friendships and the rest will follow with time. Another thing I suggest doing when you start to date someone is to sit down and write a list about all of their good qualities- the things you find awesome, amazing, happy, good, exciting, that make you all tingly and want to go squee. Add to it on a regular basis. Whenever you find yourself comparing the new person to the dickhead, look at that list. The new person isn't the old one, but they can make you just as happy.
Zie Lover says:
I would like to echo Mr. Gyrl's disgust at the "testing" of the relationship act. That's so bogus. He says he loves you, and yet he lies to you, and doesn't value your emotions or trust. Knowing nothing but what you have told me, I can't help but think that either he doesn't love you, or he doesn't know what it means to love someone. Either way he's not worth your time, effort, or pain. It sounds to me like you're not ready to be in another relationship, and that's fine. Don't rush it. Bad things happen when you rush your emotions. A lot of times people feel like they need to be in a relationship for whatever reason, to be fulfilled or god knows what. That's bull. If the relationship thing isn't working, don't force it. See if you can let go, is my suggestion. I mean, obviously you've been trying to. But it sounds like you haven't given up hope. My guess is that this guy wants out, but he feels bad for it. He's saying he still loves you because he doesn't want it to be so hard for you, but he's really making it harder. Maybe you should confront him on this. You need to decide that you don't want to be with him. You need to tell him this. You need to make this boundary, and stick to it. You may even want to go so far as taking a break from talking to him at all, at least until it gets easier for you. If he cares for you at all, he will wait.
P.S. Zie's Lover would like to add (in summary): Think about if it's in your interests to be together, but keep in mind that feeling like you *need* to be with him is really unhealthy and if that's the case you definitely shouldn't be. Neither of you can blame the other for your own or each others' confusions about what you want in a relationship. Learn as much as you can from this one, so the next one will be easier.
Please submit queries, porn, and ballads of unconditional love to LoveAdNauseam@gmail.com. No returns after 90 days without receipt.
Welcome to loveadnauseam! If you have any questions about love, sex, gender, kink or just how to be a spendthrift? Ask us! Submit queries to LoveAdNauseam@gmail.com . We'll respond as soon as possible. All names will be changed for privacy, protection and general amusement of our readers.