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Love Ad Nauseam- Advice on Love, Sex, Gender, Kink
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October 2006
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Dear Lovers-
Hi. :) I have been in love with someone for over 3 years. I dated him for almost 2 of these three years, and we had a very intense and intimate relationship with each other. We were in love and wanted to be together for a long time. About 9 months ago, he broke it off because he was confused and wanted to date someone else. That was very hard for me to deal with, and I went through therapy to get over it. I have been in two other relationships after him, but I ended both of the relationships because I always thought about "him" and compared the relationship to the one I had before. He has hurt me so much, because he lies about his feelings for me and dates other girls even though he tells me he still loves me. At one point during our relationship he even lied to me about having sex with someone else, just to get me angry enough to cheat on him and prove that I didn't love him enough. That's pretty screwed up, huh?

I feel like the only way to get over him is to date other people, but it just makes me feel guilty and awkward. I only want to be with "him", but I know it is impossible. I will never be able to be with him again, and the hardest thing for me right now is getting over him. Any suggestions on what I should do? It's been almost a year now, and I just want to move on and be happy. Thank you so much.
-Still In Recovery

Mr. Gyrl says:
The first thing I'd like to say is that "testing" someone's love like that is unacceptable. I've seen in happen a few times and it has never failed to piss me off and ruin the relationship. It's generally an excuse to break up a relationship without having to be the culprit. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, so be it. You are a healthier person without him. I know dating other people feels wrong, and right now it may be, though not for the reasons you think. In my experience it takes twice as long as the relationship lasted to really "get over" a person, especially if you were as seriously involved as it sounds like you were. This doesn't mean you can't date for 4 years, far from it! Continue to give yourself healing time and don't go actively looking for love. Allow yourself to develop meaningful friendships and the rest will follow with time. Another thing I suggest doing when you start to date someone is to sit down and write a list about all of their good qualities- the things you find awesome, amazing, happy, good, exciting, that make you all tingly and want to go squee. Add to it on a regular basis. Whenever you find yourself comparing the new person to the dickhead, look at that list. The new person isn't the old one, but they can make you just as happy.

Zie Lover says:
I would like to echo Mr. Gyrl's disgust at the "testing" of the relationship act. That's so bogus. He says he loves you, and yet he lies to you, and doesn't value your emotions or trust. Knowing nothing but what you have told me, I can't help but think that either he doesn't love you, or he doesn't know what it means to love someone. Either way he's not worth your time, effort, or pain. It sounds to me like you're not ready to be in another relationship, and that's fine. Don't rush it. Bad things happen when you rush your emotions. A lot of times people feel like they need to be in a relationship for whatever reason, to be fulfilled or god knows what. That's bull. If the relationship thing isn't working, don't force it. See if you can let go, is my suggestion. I mean, obviously you've been trying to. But it sounds like you haven't given up hope. My guess is that this guy wants out, but he feels bad for it. He's saying he still loves you because he doesn't want it to be so hard for you, but he's really making it harder. Maybe you should confront him on this. You need to decide that you don't want to be with him. You need to tell him this. You need to make this boundary, and stick to it. You may even want to go so far as taking a break from talking to him at all, at least until it gets easier for you. If he cares for you at all, he will wait.

P.S. Zie's Lover would like to add (in summary): Think about if it's in your interests to be together, but keep in mind that feeling like you *need* to be with him is really unhealthy and if that's the case you definitely shouldn't be. Neither of you can blame the other for your own or each others' confusions about what you want in a relationship. Learn as much as you can from this one, so the next one will be easier.

Please submit queries, porn, and ballads of unconditional love to LoveAdNauseam@gmail.com. No returns after 90 days without receipt.

Dear Lovers-
So, there's this guy. He's funny, smart, hot, amazing, almost everything I dig in a guy. I've had a crush on him since I met him over a year ago. We've flirted a lot and have had cuddlefests but nothing serious. Recently he IMed me and we got to talking about the people we know. He's been really frustrated with his social groups and has sworn off dating all but a very few people. Apparently, I'm one of those few. I've been hurt by this guy before and I know he's not very stable. I'm still dazed that he likes me. Another problem is that we live several states away. Long distance relationships are too hard, but maybe friends with benefits? He's thinking of coming and visiting me! I really like him but I'm afraid I'm gonna burned. What should I do?
-A. Muse

Mr. Gyrl says:
You seem to want more than just meaningless sex with him. Friends with benefits center around, well, the benefits. You can hardly fulfill one anothers physical needs thousands of miles away. Phonesex just doesn't cut it and it's damn near impossible to cuddle on the phone. I can tell you really like him but you said youself that long distance relationships (LDRs) are too hard. He wants to come and visit you, great! There's absolutely no problem with that. Just make sure that the boundaries are discussed and firmed before it happens. You say nothing serious has happened- unless you want something serious, don't let it. If you do decide to try and have something more than a friendship be careful. Don't overcommit yourself! You say you've been burned before by him. Don't get yourself burned out of numerous plane tickets! In LDRs, communication is vital. You don't have physical signals to alert each other that there is dissatisfaction. Talk, talk and then talk some more.

Zie Lover says:
Sounds like someone else I know... I suggest you learn how to synchronize your dreams so that will sort of be like cuddling, right? Until you come to a conclusions, try not to obsess. If that means getting a bag of tootsie pops and going through it in 3 days, so be it. Maybe now is just not the time for this particular love

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